Thursday, September 4, 2008

Back to School

We arrived in Michigan at 3pm on Tuesday and literally 24 hours later we were leaving to go back to NY. We pulled in just before 11pm. We had to be up nice and early for the first day of school. None of us were really excited this year I think, but luckily everyone got up and ready in time. Jillie was the first one out the door. 7th Grade?! See her texting her friend who was already on the bus to make sure she saved her a seat? Oh my. I'm starting to feel old.

Very sleepy Reagan (5th) and Kobe (2nd) jumped on the bus about an hour later with some good bye kisses from Jack Jack.
This proved to be a surprisingly emotional day for me. Reag & Kobe had missed the meet your teacher day due to the funeral. I told them I would meet them at school this morning with their big bags of school supplies so I could help them find their classes and meet their teachers. When I got there and tried to sign in I was told that I was not allowed to take them to their classes. (There were plenty of teachers and staff available to help any kids find their rooms & letting all of the parents down to the rooms would probably be a mess and take longer for the kids to get settled.) Anyhow, this must have been the straw that broke the camels back for me. I just lost it. I couldn't stop the tears and I felt so ridiculous. I was extra embarrassed when the PTO president put her arm around me and said, "this is hard." I managed to squeak out "we had a funeral yesterday" and "crazy how this hits you at the strangest times." I didn't want her to think that I was crying about leaving my 2nd and 5th graders at school without their Mommy! I'm sure that was a part of it though combined with:
-trying to keep my emotions in check about Grandpa
-feeling like I hadn't done my job as mom to get the kids settled in properly (although they weren't the least bit nervous or unsure and really didn't care at all - maybe even a little relieved that I wasn't walking them to class!)
-the busy day ahead of me
- the ENORMOUS list in my head of things that need to get done to get us organized and back on track again... everything from cleaning and organizing pretty much the entire house to signing Reagan up for gymnastics to finding just the right preschool for Jackson still to teaching Relief Society (1st time in my life!) this coming Sunday....
-probably the biggest culprit- Fatigue from days of traveling and major lack of sleep in the last week
All of that is not a good recipe for an 'in control Nikki'.
When I got to my car I decided I'd better give myself a good (private) cry, get it out before I tear up again in front of strangers! Jackson (fake) cried with me for a minute and then offered me a tissue and told me to,"stop crying!!" The cry did little good though- still feeling overemotional.
Good news today ... Jackson had his 4 year check up. (41 lbs and 41.5 inches) I got a kick out of the nurse trying to give him a hearing exam and a eye exam. Jackson identifying shapes on an eye chart was funny. For circle he said, "basketball". For cup he said, "milk". :) Anyhow it was really nice to talk to the doctor about his developmental delays. When we talked about his low muscle tone, she said, "You know that is very common, especially with boys and he will grow out of it." So nice to hear normal when talking about Jackson. I always worry about him and put blame on myself for his physical and speech delays. Nice to be reassured that in the end he'll catch up. :)
OK, this post is way longer than I intended and a true personal journal entry I suppose. Hope you enjoyed the tour around my brain! (scary!) It's good to get the thoughts out, but now I need to do myself a favor and get some sleep. :)


Holly said...

Are you kidding me?!? THis was a GREAT post! Real feelings get 4 stars! :)

I love the pic of Jillie with a bus in the background. You really know how to plan a picture huh? :)

I am glad you got sleep last night. Hopefully you really did. Here's to gettting back on track! :)

Shan said...

I loved this post too Nik - I love hearing real feelings. I would have been in tears myself for all the exact same reasons :) You amaze me Nik with all that you accomplish!
Good luck with your lesson - you will do great! Is this a new calling?
The kids look so cute and big- Jillie is in 7th?? And texting?? Wow! I hope they have a great day!
Oh and thank you sooo much for the good mail for Kyle. He loved it and was so thrilled to get mail :) Again you amaze me you sent him anything and with all you have been doing too!

Beth Soelberg said...

When my Grandma was in the hospital (just before she passed away) I was teaching elementary orchestra. My kids were responsible for playing at the 5th grade graduation, and, naturally, I was supposed to conduct them. I was so emotional that I ended up crying on the phone with the band director, who graciously offered to conduct in my place. The rub is, he was MY orchestra director when I was in high school, and I was royally embarrassed. So you're not the only one!

And I agree - real feelings make for great posts!

Normal is completely relative. I'm always comparing Helena and Hunter (bad mom!) and just today was wondering why Hunter barely talks at all, when Helena could say lots of words by 19 months.

Have a hot bath and a long nap and you'll be a whole new Nikki!

Leanne said...

Yep, I agree that the "real feeling" posts are the best ones. Not that you all would want to hear all of MY ups and downs, but it's still nice to get support from others.

Nik, you're a great Mom and like Beth said, each child is different with different strengths and weaknesses. 3 of mine took speech while Jillian had no problems at all. Macie still has help for her delays. I tend to blame myself for Macie's delays and for Ricky passing away like it was my body that failed them. But I'm getting better and I know it doesn't do any good to throw myself a pity party very often (although sometimes it feels good just to let it all out! *being honest here*). I feel for you in the blame thing tho because sometimes as Mothers we feel like we have to be all and do all for our kids. I guess we need to try and remember that they have their own challenges to overcome that will make them strong, independent individuals. Now I just need to take my own advice! haha.

As far as crying in public....I did that too when I get stuck overnight in Dallas. I cried like a baby because my kids expected me to be home that night and I had failed them. Here was a 32 year old woman pleading with the deaf-eared airlines and bawling like an idiot in front of an airport full of people with them all thinking I was a basket case I'm sure. We all have our moments and I love that we can share them with each other. It kind of makes us feel validated in it all! haha.
(sorry for such a long comment...that's how I roll I guess)

dad said...

You had me in tears too, reading this... for all that you do for others (like your family, your extended family, neighbors and so many others); for your whole family's making such sacrifices to be here for Mom & Grandma Pauline, for your blaming yourself for seemingly failing at something out of your control, for your tender, loving spirit, for all that you are.
I've learned that it's OK to say "no" sometimes, but I know it can be hard to do when you care.

Sunny said...

You had me in tears too Nik. I would have lost it too having the week that you had! You had the worst of the travel trials in all of this! I'm just amazed you made it to all of it. Did I ever thank you for coming out to see us! It was so fun and even better that Hyrum was able to play for one more day with his cousins.

Angie said...

I too loved this post. I love that you are able to write your feelings and so often feelings that I have too. You will be an EXCELLENT RS teacher and I'm jealous that I won't be there to hear it, your kids are adorable in the first day of school clothes, of course Jackson is normal, he has always been and is just taking his own time to be what everyone expects him to be. You are the kind of mom I hope to be!!! I'm so glad I helped inspire your blogging habit so I can learn and be inspired by you!!!

Caity said...

That does sound so crazy and exhausting! I hope you've had a relaxing weekend!

Carolyn said...

Well after reading your wonderful and honest post....and now all of these wonderful comments, I feel like I'm in Relief Society on Fast Sunday :) I'm both edified and strenghtened by all of the raw emotions here! Nikki, you are awesome and I really appreciate you taking the time to be an honest blogger in the midst of chaos with all that you have on your "To Do" list. Always remember that we are by far, the hardest on ourselves!!! Nobody is perfect :) And you're pretty darn close girl!!!

Michelle said...

Wish I could give you a hug Nikki! Although sometimes nothing is better than a good cry. I can completely relate to your story and have many moments like this. The tour of my brain would be scary, too for sure. :)