Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Maybe I'm pregnant?

I'm guessing that got your attention. Have you ever had moments like me when you notice you're starting to put on some pounds and you almost kind of hope that you're pregnant? Not that I'm interested in having any more babies, but it'd be a better excuse to gaining weight than what the actual reality is- that my eating is getting a little out of control. Jill posted today about looking at recent pictures of herself and feeling like she needs to make some changes toward a thinner Jill. It got me thinking about me- my body- my body image. I think most women have these moments. In your mind's eye you think you look one way, and then you really see yourself. I have had these moments over and over and over again.

I got a big reality check after we took family pictures back in the winter of 2005. I felt pretty good that day. Greg has a way of convincing me that I look good- and I appreciate that!- but in reality I did not. I decided that I had no more excuses. I would not be getting pregnant again. My body was my own now. No more excuses. So off I went to Weight Watchers. It worked really well for my mom and now it worked for me. I learned how to eat better. I lost 40 lbs. I wasn't as thin as I wanted to be, but I at least I was closer to where I should be. I realized that now I was at a weight that I was more comfortable in my skin and I wouldn't use my weight as an excuse to not do things like take the kids swimming. I made peace with my new self. I'm never going to be Shannon (my cute sister in law who is perfectly thin even when she's 9 months pregnant! :)) I can't compare my shape to her and others like her. I do not have her awesome genes- I just hope my girls do! :) I also realized as much as I don' t like being fat, I also don't like exercise. Maybe someday I'll get there, but no luck so far!

Anyhow, fast forward to now. I've been putting on a few pounds since the holidays... not a lot, but enough for me to notice. I think I eat better but I still eat too much of those better things. I just got tired of writing it all down. Keeping track of every bite is a pain. I resent that this is something I have to deal with every day for the rest of my life! But I guess it works- especially when I can't seem to get into a routine of regular exercise. When I caught myself looking at the pile of "fat clothes" in my closet, I knew I was in trouble. The thought crossed my mind to pull some things out of there. That can not be an option anymore so...off to Goodwill they go (some of this is Greg's too as he's lost some weight lately.) Feels good- and I love having an organized closet again!

I'm trying to be brave-- feeling a little vulnerable, but I hope putting my thoughts out there will give me the push I need to be more accountable and get back on track. :)


Beth Soelberg said...

Nikki! I'm so proud of you. Losing weight is one of the hardest things to do. I've been tracking my eating for about a month, and it IS a big pain to write everything down, but it keeps me tied to reality.

Good luck - if anybody has the determination it's you!

Greg Garrick said...

Nice post Bok. You are a captivating and inspiring writer.

We'll jog on the beach next week --maybe we'll both enjoy that exercise :)

You look great!

Shan said...

It IS a great post Nik though you are way too kind and generous to me! I have my own self image problems - mainly that of feeling like I look like a boy :) I AM blessed with good genes that way but I have been realizing lately that I can't keep using that excuse to eat as I wish. Too many health problems run in my family for me not to be responsible in my eating. So even though I really enjoy exercising, I LOATHE eating well! We all have our challenges I guess.

I echo Greg's sentiment - you do look great! Have fun running on the beach :) Relax and enjoy yourself!

Jill said...

Your title definitely caught my attention!

I'm so impressed that you lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers. That's quite a success. I would love to lose that and that again...oh dear!

dad said...

You know, I've always said, you can be whatever you want to be, and I've always said you are a lovely girl, inside & out. (thank goodness, you take after your mother in that latter respect).

Caity said...

I think that is so awesome! You look great! I have four beautiful, skinny sister-in-laws! It doesn't help with the self-esteem, but then again, I beat most of them in an arm wrestling contest last summer! That has to count for something :) We're all built differently, that's all. Keep up the work! You're totally inspiring to me!

Leanne said...

Trade ya bodies Nik! Haha. I'm working hard myself on the WW plan with not much loss yet. I think my body enjoys making me suffer. But I refuse to give up. Sounds like you refuse to give up too since you got rid of all the clothing. A big step in the right direction.

40 pounds is quite an accomplishment! You go girl!

Angie said...

I know exactly how you feel! I've switched to writing everything down to just the fast track of marking off the points and it seems that slipping is easier and easier!! One good motivation is getting rid of your extra clothes, then you don't want the weight to come back on and have to buy more! I'm not too worried about you though, you look great and you can't be too far off track!

Oh and how fun would it be if you really were pregnant!!

Carolyn said...

I loved reading this post. You looked great at Sherly's birthday. I know that was over a year ago....but not that I see you much! It does feel so good to be comfortable in your own skin...I think once I hit 30 everything changed....even though I was convinced it would be different for me...my pants are getting tighter and tighter every month...and I won't even get into the muffin top problem! Anyways- I think getting rid of the "fat clothes" was so smart on your part. After my babies...I refused to buy a bunch of bigger clothes and I always kept my favorite skinny jeans right there in full view in my closest to remind me of my goal each day. I guess my method is a bit strange...but I tell Brady that I can't afford to gain weight because I've purchased designer jeans (spending $$$$ on each pair of jeans really keeps you from gaining too much!) I'm sure you look amazing...you are beautiful. Keep it up!